Why Shipping Is Funny
by TheMortalSlab
Summary: As Ash is suffering from sexual frustration, his dreams begin being infiltrated by all of his past female companions. How will the dark-haired dumbass deal with such buffoonery?
1. Chapter 1

**Me am no Nintendo.**

**_Why Shipping Is Funny: A Story of Love, Heartbreak, and Things Left Unsaid_**

**_Chapter 1: Undesirable Abstinence Really Sucks_**

**As the sun began to set in the far west, the gang started to set up their campsite for the night. Ash and Brock began rolling out their sleeping bags, and Dawn began setting up her tent.**

**"Alright, if I set up the cooker, could you guys go get some firewood?" asked Brock, as he set up his cooking pot.**

**"Sure!" said Ash and Dawn simultaneously, as they began walking into the deep woods to obtain cooking goods, or coodsgings for short.**

**Ash started to scan the area for both firewood and a midnight snack, while Dawn scavenged through random bushes for twigs, due to her inferior woman strength crippling her ability to lift anything over half a pound (super-ouch).**

**As Ash grabbed log after log, he let out a sigh of depression. "What's the matter, Ash?" Dawn asked, picking up another enormous twig.**

**"Ah, it's nothing." Ash answered with a glum expression across his face. What was he supposed to tell her, that not only was he a girlfriendless mess of a human (much like the author), but that he hasn't had had the sweet taste of Alabama justice (pussy, for city-folk) in years? His sexual frustration was nipping at his rear-end for the last few days (and for a 14-year-old, can you blame him?), and he's suppressed his "needs" for far too long.**

**As he began picking berries for his fourth meal, he started to remember the last time he got his groove on. **

**_"It was a Saturday night in Celadon City, after I got my ass kicked out of the Gym for my manly beliefs. I was walking around the city, and came across a rather cute blonde girl. She seemed so innocent. I walked over and introduced myself, and she just grabbed me by the arm and dragged me to the nearest restroom. It reeked of excrement, but we were both ready for it. She threw me into the last stall, and jumped on top of me, unzipping my jeans and digging around like a child for their cereal box prize. She grabbed my chub of a dick, and yanked it out of my denims. She began stroking it like a professional; her hands were like crushed velvet. At this point, my cock was rock-hard, and she started eyeing it in disbelief. At the time I had no idea why, but I know now that it was because it was rather large for a young Catholic boy. She literally threw her mouth around it; her head bobbing up and down like my Charles Barkley-autographed Wilson basketball. Oh, how I loooved that basketball. I took that basketball with me everywhere I went; that basketball was like a basketball to me. I even put that basketball underneath my pillow; maybe that's why I couldn't sleep at night. I need help, ladies and gentlemans. What was I thinking about, again? Hmmm…"_**

**"Uh, Ash? Are you okay?" asked Dawn, as she noticed Ash standing in a frozen state for the last several minutes.**

**"Oh, uh yeah. I'm fine." Ash responded, regaining his composure. As he began picking once more, he started to gaze at Dawn with a glazed look in his eyes. As she bent over to pick up yet more twigs, he tilted his head to get a good view of the striped panties she was sporting. With a disgruntled look, he said to himself, "Ugh, too easy."**

**Once they finished gathering their coodsgings, they returned to the campsite. "Ah, there you are! Now I can get dinner started!" Brock stated with a gleeful expression.**

**As Brock began to cook dinner, Dawn started practicing new contest moves with Piplup, while Ash sat idly on his sleeping bag, rearranging his backpack. Once he finished, he set his hands on his lap; his right hand falling on his manhood. He then realized it's been a while since he's even gotten his rocks off. Once they all sat down to eat, he started to think of his last time he tugged his tapioca tube. **

**_"It was a glorious Tuesday evening, and I had just won my Heat Badge, so I decided to relax in the nearby Hot Springs. The rest of them decided to join me; all of them in their impromptu bathing suits. Damn, May was lookin' supa-fine that day. After chit-chatting for a good few hours, they all decided to leave, but I just told 'em that I'd stay a little longer. Once they were long gone, I started to go at it; roughin' mah ruby wrangler like there was no tomorrow. I was making so many strange noises, but it felt so good. After several minutes of vigorous stroking, I finally released my sticky soldiers into the spring waters. The moon looked so beautiful that night, like it does in those apocalyptic movies I would watch as a child. If the world ended that night, I wouldn't even care, as long as I had my limo and my orange hair. And it don't bother me if people think I'm funny, cause I'm a big rock star, and I make lots of money, money, money, money, money, money, money, AAAAAAAAHHAHAHAAAA! I'M SOOO BLOODY RICH, HAHAHAHAAAA! I OWN APARTMENT BUILDINGS AND SHOPPING CENTERS, HAHAHAAA! AND I ONLY KNOW THREE CHORDS! AHAHAAA, WATCH ME BUUUUURN! … What was I thinking about, again? Hmmm…"_**

**"Um, Ash? Is everything alright?" asked Brock, as Ash came back to a confused look across his two friends' faces.**

**"Y-Yeah. Everything's fine." Ash stated with a blank look.**

**"Are you sure? You seem a little off today." said Dawn with a troubled gaze.**

**"Nah, I'm fine." Ash said depressingly.**

**With those words, Ash finished his dinner, and helped set up the camp fire for the night. As they all sat near the fire, he began to once again recollect on his sexual past, followed by yet another Cheech and Chong reference.**

**"Ash, ASH!" Brock yelled, once again pulling Ash out of his raunchy trance.**

**"Huh, what?" asked Ash.**

**"What's wrong? You seem really sad." Brock stated with concern.**

**"Oh, nothing. I'm alright." Ash responded with a head-tilt and a half-smile.**

**"Are you sure? We're kinda worried…" said Dawn with a saddened expression.**

**"No need to worry! (God, I hate that…) I'm fine!" Ash said with a giant fake smile. Several minutes went by, as Ash decided to make his leave. "Well, I'm off to bed. 'Night, guys." Ash said with a yawn.**

**"'Night, Ash." Dawn and Brock said as they continued sitting by the fire.**

**As Ash fell comfortably into his sleeping bag, he began to drift off into his sub-conscious…**


	2. Chapter 2

**Me am no Nintendo.**

**_Why Shipping Is Funny: A Story of Love, Heartbreak, and Things Left Unsaid_**

**_Chapter 2: Why Are Redheads Always Such Cun-, Err… Grouch-Heads?_**

**Ash slowly started to drift off into the glorious land of slumber, and began to have glorious visions of grandeur, which at the time seemed impossible to destroy…**

**He found himself at a beautiful lake, surrounded by marvelous hills of various greens. He looked down at his reflection, only to see that his greatest wish had come true: those squiggles on his cheeks were finally gone! As a now remarkably handsome Ash stood up, he noticed another figure at the lake, distant as they were. He began running towards the figure, only to discover that it was, could it be? It was! Why, it was one and only Giselle from his early journeys in the Kanto region! She was his absolute favorite! He began charging toward the near-goddess with extreme force, as his faster-paced running only seemed to distance himself from his one and only true love. He then had a great idea! He began running in the opposite direction, which caused him to somehow arrive within feet of her. He turned to see the heart-grasping beauty, only to see that she looked rather upset, as tears began to fall down her gorgeous face.**

**"Wh-, What's wrong, Giselle?" asked Ash in an echoic voice.**

**"Don't _'What's wrong Giselle?'_ me! You know exactly what's wrong!"screamed the mahogany-headed mistress.**

**"Dude, seriously, I have no clue what's going on here." Ash said with raised shoulders.**

**"Is that how you greet me after all these years? I thought you were different; I thought you really cared, but I guess I was wrong!" Giselle screamed, as her eyes began to cake in tears.**

**"What the hell are you talking about? Where am I?" asked a rather confused Ash.**

**"Is that all you care about? What about _me_? What about _my_ needs?" asked Giselle rather greedily.**

**"What _about_ you? Look, just tell me where I am, and I'll do the needs, or whatever you're talking about." Ash proposed.**

**"It's _your _dream, so you tell me!" yelled Giselle.**

**"Wait, this is _my _dream?" asked Ash, as a devilish look began to consume his now-gorgeous face.**

**"Well yes, but-" Giselle said, as she was cut off by Ash grasping her shoulders, and pulling her in for a passionate kiss.**

**They both stood there with lips locked for what seemed like days. Once they pulled apart, they began to stare into each other's eyes; their urges beginning to control their thoughts, and soon enough, their actions.**

**As they both stared each other down, they simultaneously nodded, and began to remove their clothing. Little by little, they stripped themselves of their loins, until their naked bodies were beaming against the mid-afternoon sun.**

**They pulled themselves in for another kiss, as they began caressing each others' bodies with gentle strokes. Ash's hands fell upon her breasts, as he massaged them with the glee of a schoolboy. As her hands grasped his erection, his eyes lit up with excitement. She fell to her knees, and she began to put the monstrous cock in her mouthal region. She rocked her head back and forth, sucking on his pleasure popsicle with vigorous passion. As he was ready for release, she suddenly removed her head from his crotch, and looked up at her lover. They nodded again, and Giselle fell backwards upon the soft grass, and spread her legs. He glared at her beautiful womanhood for what seemed like hours, as he fell on all fours, and crawled toward her. He got into position, and with another mutual nod, began to slowly penetrate her. She yelped in pain; it was her first time, and he was so riDICKulously big (haha, see what I did there? Re-_dick_-ulous, get it? Ugh, I'm so lame…).**

**"Oh no, are you okay?" asked a concerned Ash.**

**"Yes, I'm fine. Please, keep going." Giselle responded.**

**He finally stuck his entire boyhood into her bacon-hole, and both released groans of pure pleasure. He began to slowly thrust in and out of her love box, as their moans grew louder. He started to increase in speed, and she began to scream in ecstasy. As he readied himself for climax, he heard a gasp from behind him.**

**He stopped and immediately turned around to see what forth such a sporadic soliloquy of air could be produced (that sentence makes no sense to me, either). What caught his eye would not only rid him of his wood, but would also fill his soul with fear and darkness. It was his old red-headed companion, holding a painted heart-shaped rock, and tears beginning to roll down her face.**

**"AAAGH! Misty, what the hell are you doing here?" screamed a puzzled Ash.**

**"Don't _'What the hell are you doing here?'_ me! You know exactly why I'm here!" screamed the irate carrot-top.**

**"Why does that sound familiar?" Ash asked to himself.**

**"I always thought you knew about my feelings for you; I always thought you felt the same way, and like me, you were too shy to express it. But no, it turns out you're just a heartless bastard who cares about nothing more than sleeping with the latest piece of ass! I can't believe I ever loved you!"**

**With those words, she threw the rock at the young boy, and it hit him square in the chest. She stormed off, as he let out a breath of relief.**

**"Thank God she's gone. I seriously had no fucking clue _what_ the hell she was talking about. Oh well! Now where were we?" He turned around, only to see that Giselle had disappeared, and left no trace of existence behind. He picked up the rock, and read the engraving: _To the One I Love_.**

**"Ugh, women…" Ash groaned, as he put the rock in his pocket, and began walking off into the distance.**

**"Man, it's getting' kinda hot out." Ash said to himself, as he wiped the sweat off his forehead, and fanned himself off with his hat.**

**After what seemed like several hours of walking, he came across an aged house in the distance. He started running towards the house, but as he ran faster, the house gained more and more distance. "Oh yeah," said Ash, as he began running the opposite way even faster, bringing the house within feet of himself.**

**"Well, it's worth a shot." Ash said, as he walked up the porch steps, and opened the door…**


	3. Chapter 3

**Me am no Nintendo.**

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Why Shipping Is Funny: A Story of Love, Heartbreak, and Things Left Unsaid

**_Chapter 3: Imitation's the Sincerest Form of Ecstasy_**

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**As Ash walked up to the towering structure, he felt as if there was a presence in the house; a presence he's felt before. "Eh, it's worth a shot!" said Ash, as he opened the door and walked inside.**

**The house's innards were old and rickety. He felt as if it was occupied by various ghost Pokémon, so he prepared himself by cupping his balls (his Pokéballs), and stood in a defensive stance as he walked about the house.**

**He scanned each room, only to find that the rooms were completely empty. He set out traps for the Pokémon he was so sure to encounter, whilst checking room after room for any sign of life.**

**"Helooo? Anyone there?" Ash said with a trembling voice, as his fear began consuming him. He reached the top of the stairs, and after looking back down the stairs, he continued searching through the house.**

**The rooms upstairs proved as lifeless as the hobbles below, as he came across the room with the largest doors. With a gulp, he opened the creaky door, and peeked inside. The little light the hall illuminated cast a small lining of falling dust that was within the room. He ignored his sense of discomfort, and slowly shuffled into the room. He tightened his eyes, and scanned the room. He found no sign of life, and began to turn around when the door behind him slammed shut. He let out a soft scream, and attempted to open the door, but to no avail.**

**The room was now pitch black, and he struggled to find some sort of light. He searched the entire room before realizing, "Der!" he stated as he slapped his forehead. "Go, Infernape!" Ash yelled as he released his fire monkey from its chambers (not _that _fire monkey, you filthy children). As his pugnacious primate lit the room, he noticed a mirror at the far end.**

**He walked up to his reflection, and scanned it thoroughly. He started moving in weird patterns, in hopes that his reflection would mimic him perfectly. It followed him flawlessly. As he slowly caught his breath, he put his hand up to the surface, only to have his reflection's hand lock with his own.**

**"WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Ash screamed, as he bolted towards the door, charging through it with full force. As he fell to the floor, he noticed his Infernape, as well as the other Ash and _his_ Infernape, began chasing after him. He shuffled back on his feet, and began running towards the stairs, only to trip and tumble down the stairway, hitting the ground with extreme force. He blacked out for a few seconds, and awoke to the sounds of footsteps coming down the stairs. He regained his composure, and began running towards the open front door, only to have it shut by his reflective counterpart.**

**"Who are you, and what do you want from me?" asked a frightened Ash.**

**"Hmhmhmm…" responded the being, as he slammed Ash up against the wall.**

**He stared into Ash's eyes, as a seductive look began to form across his face. The imposter dropped to his knees, and began to undo Ash's pants. Ash started to squirm, attempting to get away, only to have the imposter use their free hand to force him to remain against the wall. He dropped Ash's pants, and fished out his dick. He eyed it for a few seconds, and began to stroke it with his hands.**

**"Aaagh! What the hell do you think you're doing?" asked a blushing and confused Ash.**

**"Just relax. You'll enjoy it." Responded the stranger, mimicking Ash's voice flawlessly.**

**"Nnngh." Ash moaned, as he struggled to find something to defend himself with. He thought about using his Pokémon, but hesitated when realizing that he was up against a mirroring foe.**

**His counterpart finally stopped rubbing it once it was fully hard. He took his member, and started licking the massive monstrosity.**

**"Aaagh." Ash said in a mix of discomfort and pleasure. He fought to move, but he was rendered motionless, as the host continued having their way with his trouser treat.**

**He finally stopped licking, and Ash had a short moment of tranquility, until he began shoving the gigantic joystick into his mouth.**

**"AAAH! Get offa me!" Ash yelled as he grabbed the imposter's black hat, and shoved him onto his back, his hat and black wig flying off.**

**"Huh?" Ash said completely puzzled, as he realized who sat before him; the turquoise-puffy-pigtailed-big-eye-browed Duplica.**

**"OW! What the hell is wrong with you? I thought you'd enjoy that!" yelled Duplica, as she rubbed the back of her head.**

**"Oh shit, I'm sorry. You really scared me." Ash said slightly worried, as he was concerned whether or not she could finish the job.**

**"Sorry? What the fuck is wrong with you? You could've given me a concussion!" she yelled as she stood upright with shoulders raised.**

**"I'm just saying, giving myself a blowjob isn't the most arousing thought to me." Ash said, echoing raised shoulders.**

**"Well excuse me for trying something a little different!" yelled the furious copycat.**

**Ash looked at Duplica, and then down at his erect penis, and looked back at her with a tilted head, expecting her to finish.**

**"Ugh. Screw this, I'm outta here!" Duplica said with an angry look, as she stormed off into the back hallway.**

**"Wait; at least take care of this!" Ash said as he pointed down to his massive boner. She continued walking away, so he followed her in hopes of gettin' some.**

**He ran to the hallway, and saw a figure run into the room on the far right out of his peripheral vision. He began to run towards the door with a sex-hungry look on his face.**

**He opened the door, and again, the room was desolate. He walked in, and scanned the room as the door slammed shut. He turned around with a smile, for he knew what came next. Suddenly, what he thought were hands fell upon his shoulders, and slowly fell and connected at his chest. Just as he started to get pulled back, he realized that rather than being grasped by Duplica's warm hands, thick vines were wrapped around him.**

**"Oh dear God, no." Ash said to himself …**


	4. Chapter 4

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Me am no Nintendo.

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Why Shipping Is Funny: A Story of Love, Heartbreak, and Things Left Unsaid

**_Chapter 4: Ass, Gas & Grass… Ash Rides for Free!_**

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Many thoughts raced through young Ash's head in those few seconds of struggle; if he'd ever see Duplica again; how fast he would lose his wood; perhaps most importantly, how Infernape returned into its ball without being formally recalled. Unfortunately, none of these random thoughts proved to be helpful to his current predicament. Before he could conjure up another unnecessary question, he felt the odd embrace of a slightly rough-skinned Pokémon with an uncomforting, yet attractive aroma radiating from its body.

**He looked up, yet he was blinded by the darkness. He could only imagine that it was his former grass Pokémon. Just as his speculation met his cognitive standard, he was greeted with a feint sigh.**

**"Bay, baaaay" the Pokémon said with relief as it pushed Ash harder into its chest.**

**"Oh, F-F-FUCK me." Ash said in complete dissatisfaction, as the Pokémon began to straddle the side of its head on top of Ash's, swaying back and forth in a metronomic rhythm.**

**"Bayleef, please don't tell me that's you." Ash said as he rubbed his forehead with his available hand.**

**"Bay, bay!" Bayleef said with excitement. She got on her hind legs, and hugged Ash with her front legs.**

**"_I hate my life so much._" Ash whispered to himself. "Hey Bayleef, how have you been?" Ash asked his Pokémon rather sarcastically.**

**"Bay-bay-bay!" Bayleef responded, as she rubbed her cheek up against Ash's.**

**"Nnngh." Ash moaned in displeasure, as he tried to contemplate a way to escape her unconditional love.**

**Just as he thought of a plausible escape route, Bayleef moaned in an ecstatic fashion, and started to lick Ash's face.**

**"Please stop." Ash said with a straight brow. Please keep in mind that it's pitch black in this room, so providing visual descriptions right now doesn't really have any adverse effect on the story. The truth is, the author is just doing this to waste words, and thus, waste _your_ time. It doesn't matter though, because you'll read this debauchery no matter what's being written. Simply put, your interest in this is an example of the author's dominance over you. How do you like being the author's bitch, huh? HUH? Taste the chrome! *_Smack!_*, *_Smack!_* ON YOUR KNEES, SLAVE! Now, back to the story…**

**Bayleef continued licking Ash's face, and continued moaning in pleasure, as Ash wished for the seventh time that he would spontaneously combust. After two minutes of licking, Bayleef leaned forward and softly pushed Ash onto his back.**

**"Ngh. Bayleef, how about we get outta here?" asked Ash, as he attempted to scoot back, only to have Bayleef pin him to the ground.**

**"Bay, bay." Bayleef said rather seriously, as she shoved her tongue into Ash's mouth.**

**"Mmm, MMM!" Ash screamed, as he was muffled by his Pokémon's smooth tongue rubbing the back of his throat, dancing around his tonsils and tickling his insides.**

**Bayleef finally removed her tongue, and stared at Ash with a seductive look, as one of her vines began rubbing against Ash's crotch.**

**"Nnngh. Bayleef, please stop." Ash begged with his randy Pokémon, only to have her pin him down with her vines as she traveled down south.**

**With her mouth, she pulled his pants and undergarments down to his knees, and began eyeing the one-eyed monster that lay before her. Again, just roll with it. Pretend that Bayleef has night vision, or something; I'm far too lazy to come up with a way to bring light into the room. After a few seconds, she began sniffing his khaki caber, and moaned in extreme pleasure. She started to lick the top of his love stick, and continued moaning pleasurably.**

**"For the love of Beck, please stop!" Ash said rather sternly, only to be answered with Bayleef's vine wrapping around his mouth.**

**At this point, his penis was almost fully erect. She then slowly dropped her mouth on the head, and steadily took his boner into her mouth. There was only one thing running through Ash's head at this point:**

**_Whoa, that's a full rainbow, all the way. Double rainbow, oh my God, double rainbow. It's a double rainbow all the way. Damn. It's a double rainbow all the way. Damn, oh my God. _**

**_What does this mean? It's so bright; so vivid. Double rainbow, double rainbow; it's so intense (intense). What does this mean? It's starting to look like a triple rainbow. That's a whole rainbow, man. Aah-ah-ah-ah._**

**_Double rainbow all the way acro-o-oss the sky-y-y. Yeah, yeah-eah-eah-eah, so intense. Double rainbow all the way acro-o-oss the sky-y-y. Wow, wow, oh my God, look at that rainbow._**

**_Aah-ah-ah-ah, double rainbow. Oh my God. Aah-ah-ah-ah, too much. Oh my God, it's full-on; I can't even capture it on my camera._**

**_Double rainbow all the way acro-o-oss the sky-y-y. Yeah, yeah-eah-eah-eah, so intense. Double rainbow all the way acro-o-oss the sky-y-y. Wow, wow, oh my God, look at that rainbow._**

**_Aaaah-ah-ah. Yeeeah! That is the baddest fuckin' rainbow I've ever seen._**

**_Double rainbow all the way acro-o-oss the sky-y-y. Yeah, yeah-eah-eah-eah, so intense. Double rainbow all the way acro-o-oss the sky-y-y. Wow, wow, oh my God, look at that rainbow._**

**Bayleef began bobbing her head up and down on his malicious member, and her muffled moans could be heard throughout the entire house. After several minutes of sucking on his pleasure Popsicle, she finally removed her head, only to stand directly over top of his… dick (I'm getting tired of these goofy names). She slowly brought her Pokéwomanhood toward his manhood, as he screamed for his life. As her vagina made contact with his member, she moaned ecstatically, while he squirmed as much as he could; wishing he was at the mall with his BFF Jill.**

**She slowly took in his entire dick, and screamed in pure pleasure, while he wished for the eighth time that he would spontaneously combust. She began to move up and down; grinding on it like a professional. After several minutes, she gushed all over him, and continued riding him. As he neared climax, she started moving even faster, experimenting with different positions.**

**Just as he was ready to unload all up inside that shit, they both suddenly heard what was similar to a Nokan flute. While Ash was unaffected, Bayleef became hypnotized, and started swaying back and forth. As the _melody_ (omigod, foreshadowing) changed, Bayleef released Ash, got up, and charged through the wall nearest the sound.**

**The brightness of the outside world caused Ash's pupils to dilate. As he got up and adjusted himself properly, he struggled to comprehend what was in front of him. What lay before him was a glorious field of green, and his latest mistress stood at the top of the hill…**


	5. Chapter 5

**Me am no Nintendo.**

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Why Shipping Is Funny: A Story of Love, Heartbreak, and Things Left Unsaid

**_Chapter 5: Sexing to a Different Tune_**

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As Ash wandered out of the damaged structure, he slowly regained his vision, only to see that atop the nearby hill lay his not-really-though-he-wanted-her-to-be-his fling, Melody. He stared on hypnotically as she played a marvelous cacophony of trills and melodic phrases that made his inner-soul yearn for her comfort.

**It was almost as if he floated nearer, as her beautiful performance gripped the chunk of meat within his ribcage. He began to scale his way up the seemingly endless hill, as the music gained more power over him. He finally reached the top, and proceeded to get a fixed look of the young woman who (musically) stole his heart. To his dismay, she was facing the other direction, and had not noticed him.**

**"_Mmm_…" he attempted to speak, but it seemed as though her playing had robbed him of his confidence to speak. His vision began to blur, as he continued trying to speak her name.**

**"_M-Mel_…" he tried and tried, but to no avail. He felt his chest grow heavier with each attempt, as his legs began to feel weightless.**

**As she started playing something similar to "My Beautiful Monster", she began to sway back and forth, as the music now consumed her as well. She always (_I wanna be with you_) played with her eyes closed, in order to paint her own mental picture of what the music represented. She always dreamed that her knight in shining armor would return to her, and fill the now-faded hole in her existence (no, not _that_ hole, you filthy children).**

**The piece finally diminished to nothing, which gave Ash the perfect opportunity to get her attention. She removed the aerophone from her lips, and slowly opened her foggy eyes. With all of his inner-strength, Ash was able to conjure a loud whisper.**

**"_Melody!_" he spoke, as she whipped her head around to see who had been watching her. He saw her face appear out of thin air, followed by her glorious brown hair slowly winding around her intoxicating attire: a flowing white gown that shimmered in the setting sun.**

**As she focused her gaze, she realized it had been the boy that had swept her away all those years ago. Her eyes began to fill with tears, as a smile formed across her face. She wrapped her arms around him, and fully embraced him for what seemed like hours.**

**She slowly pushed him back to get another look at him, before she pulled him back in for a passionate kiss. They stood there with lips locked until the sun fully set in the far west. They finally seized their lip-locking escapades, and she grabbed his hand, pulling him near the wooded area. He happily obliged, as they ran towards the towering trees.**

**They finally stopped at the edge, and gazed up at the magnificent assortment of stars that lay above them. They glistened as they have hundreds of times before, but it felt oddly special for them. All of a sudden, T-Pain's "69" could be heard in the distance, as they looked at each other; each blushing more every passing moment. Oh, those poor young fools…**

**They slowly pulled each others' face in for yet another lengthy kiss. "_Dammit, this is takin' too long, dawg! When we gon' get dis shit crackin'?_" asked Ash's inner-urban-self. "_Hmm, he's got a point, you know._" Responded Ash's inner-cracker. "_I know, I know. Just give it a couple more minutes, Holmes._" Ash said to himself in his flawless Mexican accent.**

**"… What was that?" asked Melody, as she was baffled that he broke such a passionate kiss to talk in an unorthodox manner.**

**"Oh, nothing." Ash said, as he focused his attention back on the stars.**

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_Baby, let's do a 69  
In the back of my Lincoln with the suicide doors  
Shades on for 69  
Baby, that is alright with me_

Baby, let's do a 69  
Hit me on my hot line, I'ma so lonely now  
So let's start 69  
Baby, that is alright with me

**As the song continued, Melody watched Ash, as a seductive look ran across her face. She put her right hand flat across his chest, which caused his head to drop to the point of contact. She lifted all but her index finger off of his buff bod, as she began to swirl her finger around his manly build. Suddenly, her finger started to fall down past his stomach, and found its way right on top of his manly manhood of manliness. This caused his dormant member to perk up for a moment, as this caught him off guard.**

**What was a lowly finger stroking his jeans had turned into a full crotch-massage from her gentle, yet forward hand. He began to melt (figuratively, of course; the literal sense comes later…), as his legs began to shake. It was as if God himself had sent a hooker from super-space to fulfill the young boy's every need (sexually, of course; the alternative fulfillments come later…). The music had changed to T-Pain's "Bartender", as Ash began to drool from the side of his mouth; such pleasurable actions had caused paralysis in the young fool's muscles. He was beginning to see various colours form across the night sky, creating an indescribable experience in his pants. Oh yes, there certainly _was _a party going on in the young boy's trousers, and she was nothing less than invited.**

**Suddenly, she removed her seemingly magical hand from the boy's crab-case, causing the symphony of saturation to wisp away. He looked up at the brunette beauty, only to see that she was smiling rather fiendishly.**

**"_Bout damn time. Let's do this, already._" Ash thought to himself, as he reached for his night-love. To his dismay, when he started to reach for the cock-tease, she turned away from him, and began to run into the forest of… trees.**

**_Got a brand new girl so I'm feeling all good inside (all good inside)  
Feel like I put some brand new 24's on a brand new ride (on a brand new ride)  
Triple shot of patron on the rocks with little bit a lime (with a little bit a lime)  
I'm just keeping it real (Uh-huh)_**

**As the sultry music continued, young Ash dodged many wooden trees, chasing the ungrateful bitch of whom, he was convinced, couldn't please a man if her stupid life depended on it. As he continued running, he was suddenly tripped by an outgrown root. He hit the ground with a hard "THUD!"**

**_Don't smoke don't drink that's why I don't be by the bar baby (baby)  
Just lookin' at you from a distance looking like a god damn star baby (baby)  
So my girl don't see me T-Pain can I get those keys to the car? (those keys to the car?)  
'Bout to go and Bang Bang Boogie with my cutie and I'll see you tomar' (see you tomar')_**

**He laid face-down in the dirt for what seemed like hours. When he finally got up, he realized he had cut his leg rather seriously, as it was gushing blood like there was no tomorrow. He continued lying there, witnessing what he believed to be his own demise, until a slightly familiar voice caught his attention:**

**"Need some help?" the voice asked, as he looked up to see that a younger, slightly-red-headish-kinda-brunetteish-pigtailed sweetheart had extended her arm towards him.**

**"I've got a strange sense that this situation won't go quite as I expect it to." Ash said, as the young girl helped him up from his potential death…**


	6. Chapter 6: NSFA

**Me am no Nintendo.**

_**A very special note from the "Author"**__**: I highly advise that you don't read this chapter if you're the faint of heart and/or testicles; it's pretty fuckin' gnarly. **_

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**Why Shipping Is Funny: A Story of Love, Heartbreak, and Things Left Unsaid**

**_Chapter 6: Joy… and Pain_**

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**As the young woman reached out for his hand, he tightened his eyes to get a good look at his personal savior.**

**"… Wait, you look familiar. What's your name, again?" Ash rubbed his eyes in confusion.**

**"UGH! How do you not remember me? My name's MACY!" Macy screamed, as she stomped her foot into the dirt.**

**"Right, right. And… I know you from… where?" Ash said with his traditional dopey smile.**

**Following a sigh, Macy replied, "FROM THE SILVER CONFERENCE, YOU DOLT!" as she pushed him back on the ground.**

**"… Oooooh yeah, _now_ I remember." Ash responded, as he stared down at his worsening wound. "How've you been, uuh, Macy?" he asked, looking up at her.**

**She blushed for a moment, as they locked eyes for several minutes.**

**"Didn't you used to have sorta reddish hair?" Ash asked her, as he scratched his head.**

**"What are you talking about? My hair's always (_I wanna be with you_) been brown! Who on Earth told you I had red hair?" Macy asked, shooting an angry glare at her only love.**

**"Oh, no one." Ash said, as he looked up at the sky with an angry gaze. (This is why it's important to do research before giving possibly false information to people…)**

**"Oh, just come on!" Macy shouted, pulling Ash up by his arm, and holding him up as they started walking through the dense forest.**

**"Nnngh." Ash said, as his vision started fading.**

**"What's wrong, tough guy?" Macy asked rather sarcastically.**

**"I'm startin' to get real dizzy." Ash responded, as his eyelids slowly draped over his field of vision, causing him to black out.**

**_Everything's so dark; so painful. Where am I? What happened to Macy? I feel like my life's literally drainin' outta me, yet I'm so hot. Where'd this heat come from? What is this light?_**

**He awoke to a radiant florescent light hanging directly above him. He was drenched in sweat, yet he felt lighter than air. He lifted his head, and realized that he was in a bedroom, with a tray of random metallic instruments to his side. There was a small towel wrapped around his mouth, and he discovered that his limbs were tied to the corners of the bed.**

**"Ah, finally awake, are we?" Macy asked as she entered the room.**

**"Mmm, MMM!" A muffled Ash yelled, struggling to move his body.**

**"Oh, I'd save my strength if I were you; it's gonna be a _looong _night." Macy said, chuckling to herself.**

**"Mmm-mmm-mmm?" Ash asked with reasonable intent.**

**"Just relax. It'll be over soon." Macy responded, as she began to undress.**

**"_Oh, I get it now; she's one of the freaky ones. She doesn't exactly have much to show, but eh, it's better than nothin', I guess._" Ash thought to himself as she removed the last article of clothing from her body.**

**She walked over to the side of the bed, and yanked off the sheet that covered young Ash, only for him to discover that he was completely naked, and the wound remained untreated.**

**"_What? You'd think she would've at least wrapped it in something!_" Ash thought, as his wound glistened in the lighted fixture.**

**"Now, we should start by taking care of this." Macy pointed to what Ash thought was his growing member, only to discover that she was referring to his injury. "I'll be right back." She left the room for several minutes.**

**She returned with several bottles of assorted minerals and liquids. "Now let's see, which would be a good starter?" She asked herself, as she examined each one. "Ah! This'll work!" She said, as she held up the can of salt. She returned to the bedside, and picked up what was similar to a metallic nail-file.**

**"_Umm, she's gonna use that stuff to fix it, right?_" Ash thought nervously.**

**She immediately stepped onto the bed, with her back facing him, and slowly sat on his stomach. His flaccid penis was slightly touching her young womanhood, while such a thought caused his penis to slowly harden once more.**

**The next thing he felt was cold metal making contact with his wound, as she began to grind the instrument up against his cut, causing the hardening wound to re-open and spew blood. The pain was almost unbearable, as he started to scream, while his eyes began to fill with tears.**

**"Now, we just add the salt, and…" She began pouring salt into the gaping wound, causing a burning sensation that consumed his entire leg. His screams grew louder with each passing second, as the smile on her face grew wider. His eyes began to blur due to the immense pain, as he wished for the ninth time that he would spontaneously combust.**

**"Oh, come on; we've only just started." She said, as she reached for the tartar-scraper that lay on the tray beside her. She slowly began to drag it across his parted skin, as she cut through several more layers of skin. She continued this for several minutes. By this point, Ash had used all of his energy through various jerking motions and, of course, screaming.**

**By the twelfth or thirteenth time of both slicing through his skin and applying salt to the area, she had finally made it through his entire muscle (not to mention nerves), and it began to scrape against his bone. The sound alone made him cringe, but each point of friction between the scraper and his bone sent a jolt of pain throughout his entire lower-region. All that could escape his mouth by this point were high-pitched grunts and dry-heaves.**

**"Alright, I think that's about enough of that." She said, as she lifted herself off his stomach. She turned to face him, only to see that his vision was fixed on the crimson-white mess that lay at the foot of the bed.**

**(What I've done so far is about the average length of most of my chapters, but I assure you, this abomination will continue regardless…)**

**She stared into his eyes, which were caked in pure fear at the damage she had caused him. She then sat down between his knees, as she grabbed his penis, and began stroking it rather softly. Despite the unspeakable pain that consumed his lower-body, he was still able to become erect from such an action. "That's more like it!" She said cheerfully. She began rubbing the tip against her soft womanhood. She started letting out soft moans, as her blush expression less-than mirrored Ash's horrified gaze.**

**She got up, and slowly lowered herself onto his erection, as she slowly took in his entire boy/manhood. At this point, the blood-loss had caused him to lose feeling in this leg, allowing him to enjoy his current experience a bit more. She bounced up and down on him; scratching his chest to the point of bleeding, and screaming in ecstasy, while he continued to remain silent. This continued for several minutes, before she felt his shaft begin to throb. She quickly removed herself, for this was a sign that he was almost ready to release.**

**"Ah-ah-aah! We can't have you do that _now_! We've only just begun!" She said, as she got off the bed, and reached for the ridged knife on the tray. His eyes grew wide with fear as to what her intentions were. She once more faced him, and a devilish look formed across her face.**

**She took the knife, and began lightly moving it across the bottom of his still-erect penis. The ridges danced across his member, while slightly scratching him. The second time wasn't so gentle, however, as she quickly and forcefully swiped it across the same spot, creating a large cut across the bottom of his penis. Blood began pouring out of the new wound, as she laughed to herself, while all that could be heard from Ash was his crying, as he began choking back vomit.**

**She began to rub her finger against the cut, eyeing the wound with a lustful expression. After a moment, she suddenly jammed her finger within the cut, and began violently swirling it around. It was as if his eyes were glued shut, as he finally let loose vomit; soaking up into the towel, and dripping down the sides of his mouth.**

**She had noticed that his cock was slowly losing wood (now, how could _that_ be?), so she swiftly removed her finger, while moving her arm under his leg, and lifting his body a few inches. Her other hand began to creep along his backside, until she discovered the location of his chocolate-maker. She jammed her finger into his Ash-hole (haha, see what I did there?), with the same lack of subtlety; searching for his manly prostate, and proceeding to apply pressure to said manly prostate.**

**She finally succeeded, and watched as his penis grew several more inches in both length and girth; his wound spurting blood onto her forearm, as she giggled. She removed her finger, and decided to wipe it off on the inside of his nostril. The mixed scent of sweat, vomit, blood & feces caused him to vomit once more; pooling around the sides of his head, and leaking through the sheets.**

**"There we go! Now, let's have some _real_ fun!" She said with the same innocent expression. She reached once more for the knife, and held it as one would hold a pencil. She grabbed his cock with her other hand, covering the previous wound, and slowly brought the tip of the knife towards _his_ tip. He looked on in pure horror, as she placed the tip of the knife within his pee-hole. She let it lay there for several seconds, as she giggled. "Oookay, here we go!" she said cheerfully, as she lightly pushed down on the knife, causing it to sink further into his cock-hole. He finally opened his eyes to see what she had done, while she simultaneously jammed the knife with full force into his cock. Less than an inch of blade was visible, as blood began pouring out of his hole of manly manhood.**

**His screams were finally revived, as he let out a shriek that nearly cracked the windows within the room, despite his vomit-soaked "gag-ball". This only forced her to grasp the knife, and twist it forcefully, which quickly silenced the young sex-toy. Tears of pain had now blinded him, which he was rather grateful for. She swiftly removed the knife, as a volcano of blood erupted from his cock.**

**"Hopefully _this_'ll help you remember who I am, next time…" She murmured, as she stood up, and stared at him with a glazed look in her eyes. After several minutes, she turned back to the accursed tray, and once more picked up the tartar-scraper. She used her other hand to lift up his testicles, as she brought the scraper to his scrotum. She quickly made a large cut into his scrotal skin, causing a large portion of blood and semen to expel from the wound. She scooped up the mixture with cupped hands, and drank the solution as one would drink from a body of water.**

**She once more rubbed her finger against the open wound; each passing testicular ridge sending jolts of pain throughout his entire body. She then lifted his scrotum, and placed a small block of wood under it, as she forced the testicle out of its flesh-pocket. The purple-brown chunk lay bare on the oak finish, as she once more reached for the knife. She regained her spot between his legs, as he opened his eyes to see that both of her hands were over her head, grasping the knife.**

**"Say, goodbye!" She said cheerfully, as she threw her hands down, while he forced his eyes shut.**

**Following the swift wind, there was only silence. He slowly opened his eyes with a slight gasp, only to find that he was surrounded by trees, along with bits of the sun beating down on him. On each side of him sat beautiful identical brunettes, who looked at each other, and sighed with relief following his wake. They focused their attention back towards him, not saying a word, and began to smile rather devilishly…**

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**Give yourselves a pat on the back. Don't worry; it only gets sexual from here on out...**


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